View/Sign my Guestbook
Begins: Apr 25, 2008
Date: Tue, Apr 22nd, 2008
Start: Gearing up in San Diego
End: Be in Campo in less than 3 days...
Entry Visits: 269
Journal Visits: 414
Guestbook Views: 35
Guestbook Entrys: 1
April 22nd, 2008
As AZDPCTKO nears, I think about when I first decided that I wanted to do this. I think about the kind of eyes that I was seeing my world with. I didn't identify with the bad-craziness that was going on around me any longer. I couldn't get-down with the deafening madness that was all encompassing; my life, my job, my state of mind all made this cog-filled, gray matter, hum that was constant and piercing in volume. All of these ingrediants contributed to a life-recipe for ineviabilty that was both unavoidable and tragic. The madness had creeped in...deep. The bad-craziness was totally self-inflicted. I was nowhere. Something needed to be done.
I quit my job in Texas after a second episode of near-death proportions in less than a year. Now, where I am altogether too comfortable with putting my life in the line for a paycheck, I have always had to deal with a considerable amount of fear in my profession. After the years, the risks don't seem to be so grave; complacency and routine have this strange effect on most of us. However, no matter how comfortable you are with this "fear", you still never take your ego out of the equation. Your ego doesn't have time for complancency. My ego provided me with the courage to slip into the cold-blackness of 200+ feet repeatedly for sometimes reciprocal reasons, sometimes not...Overall, my ego was too flimsy to put so much weight on. My ego wasn't complimented with the fear necessary to decide between good and bad decisions. I was becoming numb, unfeeling, programmed...complacent; the biggest killer in my industry.
I came out to San Diego to decompress, as it were. No pun intended. I came out here to rediscover who I am, again. I really don't remember if I ever knew. I have consistantly let so much of my savagery, my deep-seeded hedonism, get in the way of true personal growth. I realized, after leaving Florida, that I really didn't have SHIT figured out. I relied on my life-experience to provide a good filter for life...my life experience is filled with failed relationships on MANY horrific levels. What kind of "goodness" could come of that? (Totally rhetorical)
Women, drugs, alcohol... women... work... all of these things were constants in my life; the least common denominator.
After a few days in the hospital, hours and hours of internalizing EVERYTHING, I realized how absolute my life was becoming. I was going to die, or be killed, if I didn't make a clearheaded decision about what was to come next.
I had read about the Applalachian Trail. It didn't appeal to me at all. The John Muir...not long enough. The Pacific Crest Trail. Now THAT'S a test.
More to come...
The Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) is a 2,650-mile national scenic trail that runs from Mexico to Canada through California, Oregon and Washington. The PCT traverses 24 national forests, 37 wilderness areas and 7 national parks. The PCT passes through 6 out of 7 of North Americas ecozones. Learn more: www.pcta.org
Postholer.Com © 2005-2021 - Sitemap - W3C - @postholer